I blame this train of thought all on two friends of mine, Sam and Sam who recently got engaged. I'm really happy for them. It's nice to see couples like them who are so sure that they're with the person that they will love for the rest of their lives. It's like, living proof that love exists and It really can happen that someone can fall in love for real.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not completely cynical. Honestly, I'm a hopeless romantic. I believe in forever love, I believe in soul mates, and I believe in making a happy home with love all around! However, up until they got engaged I didn't even really think about my wedding someday. I mean, girls are supposed to be dreaming of this day since they're like ten, right? I mean it crossed my mind every once in awhile the one thing I always knew was that I was gonna get married on a beach over looking the water (always wanted it to be in Hawaii but now I'm imagining closer to home). That's the one thing I knew. Not what colors I wanted, wither or not we would be barefoot or not, what flowers I would have, what type of dress I want, live band or a DJ? There are a lot of things to think about when having a wedding. I never took the time to imagine what my "dream wedding" would look like. Why would I waste the time thinking about this amazing life and marriage and love if I still hadn't found someone I truly, honestly, with out a doubt loved and wanted to be with for the rest of my life. I've always had a bit of commitment issues, always afraid I'd lose them. A marriage is the most deeply set commitment I've even thought about. It's so huge! Why waste such a beautiful dream on a rotten end?
Now all this talk about marriage has got me thinking about what I actually want. I mean, three of my friends have recently got married, two of which are younger than me! I'm only 20.(I always planned to probably be engaged or married around 23-26) Gosh. Why are we getting married so young again? Are we filling our head with hopes and dreams and fairy tales that might just come to an end, and we're okay with that? Are we that desperate to not end up alone that we cling to what we have not knowing if it's the truth? Is that's what happening, or maybe I'm being cynical again. Maybe what it is, is maybe our generation is learning. Maybe it's a new way of survival. I mean if you think about it. People that are our age (18-26) Will date for years being with one person before deciding to get married, some wait a year. But I know, that's still a lot more time than some adults give it. It seems that when you're older say, 30+, you tend to date someone for a couple months then decide that this person is your life and marry them in a matter of a few months. I feel like that is a more likely rate that you will get divorced seeing as when you're that old and you're married you're kinda married for the rest of your life to this person that you may not actually love in the end, maybe they get abusive or your find out they're constantly cheating on you. Also, a lot of times they don't even more in with each other until they're married! Who knows how well you will actually live together, maybe you just can't stand that they never refill the toilet paper and you've asked them and they haven't changed! You tend to stay with them because of reasons like, "I'm too old to date.", "I'm comfortable now, if we separate we will have to deal with kids, and money issues.". It's really sad when you see people that are together not by choice but by obligation.
Recently though my mind has been meddled with all these ideas. I mean, I stayed awake for hours last night not being able to sleep and all I seemed able to think about was what I wanted my wedding to be like. What colors I would have, what flowers, what place, what dress. I feel like I'm going crazy! I feel like I'm a little 16 year old girl crazy infatuated with her current boyfriend. Then I catch myself, and I ask myself, "Is it okay to think about these things? Should I be getting my hopes up? What if what I want doesn't actually ever happen?" It's like I'm scared that just thinking about it will make it not happen. I mean I'm not even the one engaged! All in all, I blame it all on Sam and Sam because without their happiness I wouldn't be thinking of my own.